воскресенье, 19 октября 2008 г.

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My little brother punched me. Not too long ago. Less than an hour ago. His hit landed on the side of my nose and right in my eye. But I guess it was my fault. I grabbed him by the back of his shirt. And yanked backwards. I was just feeling so tired of him trying to run my life. Saying what I could and couldnapos;t do. I was the one who took care of him for three years of his life. I am the one who is almost four years older than him.

I wanted to tell him off. He had been bugging me for so long about getting off of my computer. Sure I got it taken away for the day but Mom said I could get on it. He has no right to tell me what to do. He thinks he knows every thing but he doesnapos;t.

I cried. First thing I did. I turned away, threw the phone that was in my hand across the room, dropped to the ground, and cried. Not because it hurt, and man did it. I cried because I wanted to break his wrist and then wrap my finger around his neck and squeeze until he stopped breathing. And if he would have hit me like that four years ago I would have. I would have done it until he was only an inch away from death. I�had bad anger management back then. I didnapos;t think as much as I do now.

I always and only cry when Iapos;m so pissed that-that I start thinking like that and I can do nothing about it. I heard my mom tell him that she should get me out of my room to hit him back. An eye for an eye. He hits you, hit him back. Next time heapos;ll think twice.

But I knew I wouldnapos;t have been able to. I was almost tempted to tell her it wasnapos;t a good idea to let me. Once I�started I wouldnapos;t want to stop. And even though I didnapos;t believe that when I thought it I realized later that I probably would. I wouldnapos;t want to but I wouldnapos;t be able to stop.

But I also knew that I wouldnapos;t hit him. I couldnapos;t hit him. I�wouldnapos;t be able to hit anyone. I talk like I could kick the crap out of everyone, and I probably could, but I�know that I wouldnapos;t be able to even flick one of them. I�donapos;t like causing pain. I know what pain feels like and I donapos;t want others to feel like I do.

I just wasted your time if youapos;ve read this far. So I thank you for doing so. You didnapos;t have to read this. And you probably think I need mental help for what I feel when things like that happen. But those thoughts are to me like beating up their pillow is to other people. Itapos;s a form of release. (Along with the self harm I sometimes inflict upon myself. Not too proud of that but it works. Calms me down really quick.)

The end.

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суббота, 18 октября 2008 г.

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You know, normally, I kind of like Durham. The cost of living is low, and usually you can find whatever youapos;re looking for ... Eventually. But here I am in Canada, and ...

The waiter approaches, dressed in white: "Are you ready to order?" He asks.

"Yes, weapos;d like the Peking duck, please ..." I reply.

There is a long pause.

"... Annnnd?" The waiter asks.

"Uh, thatapos;s all." The waiter withdraws.

We are between the kitchen and the best table in the house. A large family is seated there, an elderly man, probably the grandfather, sitting at the head. They are celebrating. Dishes go flying by -- entire steamed fish, multiple Peking ducks, followed by two entire roasted sucking pigs. At one point a giant platter, the size of a dining table, loaded with lobster cooked Schezhuan style, floats past.

The Peking duck comes. The waiter shows us the duck, then retreats to a nearby table to prepare the meat, taking crepes from a crepe warmer, putting on a spoonful of the sauce, and adding the meat and the vegetables. He brings us the wrapped duck two at a time, waiting until we are done before bringing around the next round.

The menu has sharkapos;s fin soup, abalone ... _birdapos;s nest_

Durham has a lot of things, but it doesnapos;t have _this_.

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пятница, 17 октября 2008 г.

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Okay, so there is this store on Newbury Street (the street I live on) here in Boston. Itapos;s called Johnny Cupcakes. Itapos;s a clothing store. There are people lined up outside, since late last night by the way, for some t-shirt release tomorrow night at 9 pm.

I donapos;t understand..maybe itapos;s an age gap (it looks like a lot of high schooler/early college age) or the fact that Iapos;m not a fashionista (we wonapos;t get into the fact that there is a Kate Spade, Marc Jacobs, and a Saks in my neighborhood....why someone would pay X-amount of $$ for something is still beyond my knowledge..)

Iapos;m confused. Off to study up on my tonal harmony...because a little traditional harmony never hurt anyone.....

And I miss these kids �(and <3) these kids like a fat kid loves cake...



I did meet with Bobby Krier today. Heapos;s the music/worship director at Citylife- the church Iapos;ve been going too....heapos;s going to try to use me as a guitarist for the university ministry fellowship. Says I have potential as a singer as well- I just need to work on my pitch (duh) and gain a little more confidence. But he did say like most musicians he meets, theyapos;ve either got a harsh lifestyle or are really full of themselves..and he doesnapos;t see either of those 2 things in me, so thatapos;s cool.�

The other thing Iapos;ve been dealing with is trying to see the potential that others see in me....maybe itapos;s a lack of faith/self confidence..I donapos;t know....

Thereapos;s other stuff going through my head, but Iapos;m working it out on paper. Iapos;ve started 2 new songs this week.

And Iapos;ve said it once before..and I keep proving myself right...the answer to all my problems can be found in almost any Jimmy Eat World song.�

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Hereapos;s something that doesnapos;t fit in with my normal shtick: I like shopping.

I know that automatically relegates me to an empty-headed, environment destroying consumer, filling up emotional voids with things, at worst, and a hypocrite, at best. But Iapos;ve admitted it to myself, very reluctantly.

I donapos;t like clothes shopping, or shoes shopping. That makes me frantic and indecisive and down on myself. Iapos;d like to cultivate a personal style if I ever have income for it, but it mostly includes being weird for weirdapos;s sake (I did find a pair of old style Russian felt boots in the trash in front of a playhouse. Itapos;s a start :P [theyapos;re warm, too]).

I love book shopping, music shopping, grocery shopping, and even household products shopping. I feel good when I purchase these things, and now that Iapos;ve realized this, I need to figure out why. A sense of accomplishment? Maybe, in life otherwise nearly devoid. But itapos;s probably cause the need of stuff has invaded my brain on a fundamental level. Stuff will make me organized, stuff will make me happy, stuff will make me sophisticated, comfortable, motivated, disciplined, okay in crowds. Stuff is a magical balm of sane.

How sad for me, Iapos;m a consumer in a consumerapos;s age, through and through.

*****

Iapos;ve been thinking about gentrification for a while, sort of tangentially. There was an article on Gawker about Moby complaining that all the commenters over there are just too mean, and they bash him for being a hypocrite, since he has a high-end vegan teahouse right in my neighborhood, but spouts the traditional rhetoric concerning his vague hippie ideals of fun happy love for everyone. He also owns a lot of Manhattan property and is very, very rich.

They had another one about a bummy looking hipster dropping his bank statement. Someone came and picked it up, and the guy who cultivated the homeless look had 400K in his account.

I get it. A little jealousy mixed with righteous anger at the attitude-behavior split of the so-called elite.

I thought I had a rational argument here, but my emotions and thoughts and self are so mixed up about money and status that Iapos;m having a difficult time stating it. I donapos;t know about you, but I am jealous of rich people. For me, rich equates to a certain extent with "better." Donapos;t ask me to define why, or I might write you a novel. But I also think it works that way for most people, because of course we havenapos;t moved that far away from class issues.

If only I had the right clothes, or went to the right school, or had the right artwork, or got invited to the right parties? But I guess I donapos;t really want any of those things. At least for status. I wish I had a job right now, and if I went to Yale I probably would. I like art.

Everyone wants some sort of status, in their families, the public, at their jobs. I donapos;t know what kind I want? Maybe? I certainly want the means to accomplish my goals.

The other, opposite point floating around in my head is the fact that the "elite" classes often do introduce more progressive values, values that are often later accepted by the public at large.

So when culture rags like Gawker or whatever create this pseudo-hip mentality that some kinds of values are laughable, Iapos;m torn. I go both ways. I like little teashops, I like fair trade, I like trying and usually failing to be a responsible consumer. Everyoneapos;s a hypocrite, but it seems worse when the powerful rich people do it. And, like life, not fucking fair.
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четверг, 16 октября 2008 г.

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Namely, the best BFF in the frigginapos; world. Seriously. Sheapos;s the bestest thing ever.
Iapos;m thinking about donating my acoustic guitar to an organization that I need to get off my ass and volunteer for. I scraped together every penny that I had to buy it when I was 13, then never learned how to play it. I just donapos;t have it in me... And if somewhere, I do, then I still have my electric one. I think a kid with true talent could use it more than I.
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среда, 15 октября 2008 г.

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Peter Bosz heeft een eerste
Aanbieding van Feyenoord voor contractverlenging naast zich neergelegd.
Toch wil de technisch directeur graag zijn klus in Rotterdam afmaken.
Tegenover Voetbal International verklaart Bosz dat hij nog wel in
Gesprek is met de Rotterdammers. 'Dat klopt, maar Feyenoord en ik
Hebben afgesproken dat we geen mededelingen doen. Ook niet over de duur
Van het eventuele contract. Daar houd ik me aan.'


Van een vertrek is volgens
Bosz dan ook absoluut geen sprake. 'Ik heb het goed naar mijn zin bij
Feyenoord en ik wil mijn werk afmaken. Nu maar afwachten of het
Mogelijk is.' Algemeen directeur Eric Gudde bevestigt dat een contract
Voor onbepaalde tijd tot de opties hoort.



'We bevinden ons in de eerste fase. Alles is dus nog mogelijk, ook
Onbepaalde tijd ja.' Bosz is sinds de zomer van 2006 in De Kuip aan het
Werk als technisch directeur. Daarvoor was hij trainer van De
Graafschap, AGOVV Apeldoorn en Heracles Almelo.



Nou die heeft het bij mij nu echt gehad wat een mafkees zeg graag of niet hr hier kan ik echt boos om worden zeg




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